Wondering why is dating so hard for guys? Here are key factors that contribute to the difficulties men face in the dating scene.
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| Photo by Ahmed Nishaath on Unsplash |
“Oh no!” Thinks James Brown.
“I’m finding solace again in video games.”
James knew he should be enjoying a long and satisfying relationship with the woman he loves.
He knew he shouldn’t be having a tough time hooking up with her, getting her helplessly in love with him up to the extent that she can’t wait to spend the rest of her life with him…
Walking with her down the aisle, building and nurturing their beautiful little home in love and affection, growing old together without any divorce or breakup except for some occasional disagreements and fights which are quite normal.
Could his dreams ever come true?
It seems unlikely.
But again and again, he has seen and heard of many couples with almost the same or even better success stories, but it seems like he can’t stop struggling heavily with dating.
And now, he’s wondering if he’s going to forever remain single even though that wasn’t what he really wants but might settle for after so many failed attempts to find and keep a partner.
What am I doing wrong? Am I not attractive and fascinating enough? Why does it seem like I can’t ever have a romantic affair with a woman? Why is dating this difficult for a man like me?
Sound familiar?
Have you also ever wondered who has it worse with dating?
Well today, I’ve got a few insights and why I think dating is so hard for men.
1. Being slotted into a stereotype.
Men are ruthlessly being slut into stereotypes despite having distinct personalities. As a man, you might end up being either classified as a nice guy, bad guy, fuck boy, soft boy, etc and to be honest, this is quite demeaning.
Being a nice guy doesn’t let one off the hook despite being the theoretical best choice since it has been argued that a lot of women claim to want a nice guy but don’t.
Yet, being a jerk, bad guy, fuck boy, soft boy, etc, doesn’t cut the chase either.
I have heard a handful of women mention something like having to lower their standards to fuck or date nice guys. Yes, because they aren’t attracted to them. And also having to settle for guys that’ll treat them like shit which they don’t also like. Of course, who enjoys being hurt, cheated on, bashed up, or something like that?
Either way, it’s all fucked up! I mean, what’s a man to do?
These stereotypes that exist for men but don’t really for women make dating unfairly difficult for men.
That’s why I strongly believe that these kinds of stereotypes are next to useless because let’s face it: People are people. We are different individuals and no two people are exactly the same.
Hence, exhibiting almost the same character traits here and there, comparable moral believes, and what have you doesn’t mean we all don’t bring different baggage and unique experiences to relationships and life in general.
Therefore, slutting people into stereotypes based on previous encounters, or even based on information gathered from misleading articles on the internet is simply a recipe for disaster.
There’s no point whatsoever making things seem as if men and women are just looking for certain types when it comes to romantic and sexual attraction because we are all just plunging through space at random, mostly by accident.
“You can’t choose who you love, who your heart is drawn to. Sometimes, you just can’t choose…period. When that happens, the heart wants what it wants.” ~Shayne McClendon.
Life will be so much easier if we all embrace the fact that every romantic encounter is randomly different and independent of every past experience of ours or any other person. Hence, we just have to take it as it comes and be true to ourselves while hoping our partners will be their real selves too. This understanding is crucial in dismantling the notion of why dating is so hard for guys and fostering genuine connections based on individuality and mutual understanding.
Related: 7 Common Misconceptions Men Have About What Attracts Women
2. Being fed with excessive half-baked truths advice.
In search and pursuit of how to go about dating as a man, many of us end up being misguided and misled in almost every way one could possibly think of. This raises the question: why is dating so hard for guys?
To give you a clearer picture of what I’m talking about, how many times have you heard of how a lot of men mistake a woman’s nervous, polite smiles, and kind friendliness for actual affection? Probably a lot.
How many times have you heard a guy whining about being friend-zoned when he basically interacts with women like he’d with a bro or a sister? A lot too, I guess.
That’s because a lot of dating advice swirling around the internet claiming to teach men how to approach women, how to dress well, how to read body language, how to assess a woman’s interest in a man, how to talk to women, etc, are mostly half-baked surface-level advice that lacks true substance and doesn’t address what inner qualities a man must possess to be really desirable as a partner and to be successful with women.
Like the two examples above, where one depicts how men are being told that certain behaviors towards them act as full proof of a woman’s interest in them.
And the other interprets a picture where a young man who is trying to figure out how to talk to girls while growing up but ends up with the regular “don’t overthink it, dude, talk to her like a normal person that she is” advice instead of being guided on how to flirt with women…
Men aren’t brought to the realization that attraction is complex and not some mathematical or scientific formula where “if X happens, Y will happen” as in the case of the former example and “if you use the quadratic formula, you’ll eventually find X” as in the case of the latter example.
Ever since the advent of the internet and the rise of the multi-million dollar dating industry, the dating game has been kind of gradually shifting in the favor of women where men are constantly been advised on how to “win over” women.
But if only most of these self-proclaimed online dating experts could stop making things as shallow and simple as they do, dating will be so much easier and more enjoyable for everyone else. This understanding is crucial in unraveling the reasons why dating is so hard for guys and fostering genuine connections based on a deeper understanding of human nature.
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3. Not being understood.
This might not be what you want to hear right now but here’s the thing: Men also need to feel understood. Hence, it’s not only women who get to feel that way.
Because to be honest, we are always trying too hard to meet up with societal expectations to man up and avoid complaining. That’s why we don’t always whine and gripe about not being understood or taken for granted as women do.
We are freaking tired of being constantly pressured to adopt and perform personas that don’t suit us. What’s even worse is when we are being pressured to conform to certain ridiculous gender stereotypes all in the name of being manly and desirable.
Just like Jessica Wildfire puts it, we seriously don’t want to pretend to love certain sports because society expects all men to. We want everyone out there to completely dispel the myth that every man is always up for sex. And most of all, we want you all to know that it’s not every man who loves performing the “alpha male” persona.
Because consider it yourself.
How will dating be any easier for a man when he’s kind of being pressured to meet some ridiculous expectations and to even perform personas that aren’t his, instead of being accepted and appreciated for what he is and what he has to offer?
It’s this problem that often brings about relationships where the women are always nice and the beginning, then try to change the men once the men get comfortable. And like you might have already known, this is one of the reasons why so many men walk away from their relationships even when their partners are, you know, good women. So, why is dating so hard for guys? It's rooted in the pressure to meet unreasonable expectations rather than being accepted and appreciated for their true selves and what they have to offer.
4. Heightened expectations.
Why is dating so hard for guys? Even though it’s naturally expected of men to deal with the hardest part of meeting someone which is initiating contacts, we men are also saddled with even more difficult and anxiety-inducing expectations when it comes to dating and relationships.
To stand a chance to be noticed in the dating market, we are highly expected to be courageous, charismatic, witty, sensitive, emotionally, and physically fit, and indulge in self-improvement, among other things.
Tell me why dating won’t be even more difficult for us under the suffocative weight of so many expectations?
Because the thing is, men who fail shot of some of these expectations will struggle heavily and miserably with dating.
What’s even more frustrating is when you’re expected to be macho enough to deal with and find solutions to the house’s faulty pieces of equipment or utensils, while being romantic enough to make breakfast for his partner.
Are we talking about the expectations to be gentlemen always and to also be able to rock our partners’ lives in bed?
When a man fights in public, he’s problematic. And when he does nothing, he’s a weak wimp. Seriously, isn’t it really difficult to be a man who seeks to have a woman in his life?
5. Women are more communicative in nature.
Why is dating so hard for guys? Yes, women are said to have a communication center in their brains that’s 2.5 times larger than the one in men’s brains.
Making them better communicators who don’t find it hard to share their feelings, personal problems, and what have you among friends, family, etc, unlike we men whose brains are wired to withdraw our feelings, problems, etc, into our heads while hoping to find ways to deal with them ourselves.
Yes, I know that we shouldn’t use the fact that women are better communicators as excuse but to rather work 2.5 times harder to match their ability to communicate as James Michael Sama suggests.
But the truth is, it’s just not easy to treat and view communication with women as something that has a lot to do with emotions which is much more than just conversing logically and exchanging ideas or information.
It’s just isn’t easy to be interesting. To be a good storyteller. To have a good sense of humor. And to be a great listener.
Admittedly, the truth is, dating can never be any easier when it’s really a tough challenge to be an amusing communicator who have the ability to have deep and meaningful conversations with women.
J. Emmanuel is a results-obsessed relationship blogger and founder of Top Love Hacks with more than half a decade of experience, dedicated to helping you level up your dating and relationship game by motivating you to be in control of your love life. His widely read work has been featured on Tiny Buddha, The Good Men Project, Publishious, Curious, to mention but a few.
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